Living with the In-Laws (II)

[linlin]

The last post on this issue, I was talking about the inconveniences of living with the in-laws. Apart from these physical inconveniences, there is always the emotional part. I feel that I’m expected to be the daughter-in-law of the past decades, if you know what I mean.

There is this ongoing issue that has been bothering me for the past 1 year. 1st month into our wedding, both my parents-in-law expected us to have kids right away. Every time during a family dinner, this is the issue that will definitely not be skipped. We’ve told them hundreds of times that we are not prepared to have any yet & we don’t intend to have kids in the near future. Until today, this issue is still being brought up every so often, they would grumble that they are getting old & won’t be able to look after our kids if we have them few years later.

Just 2 weeks ago, my SIL came back to stay over for a few days. Here’s the conversation between MIL & SIL:

MIL: Is your sister-in-law pregnant? (referring to me, of course )
SIL: No, why?
MIL: She is no longer young & should quickly get pregnant.
SIL: Mom, she doesn’t intend to have any kids.
MIL: Then why get married??
SIL: Who says you must have kids once you get married? Besides, your son doesn’t want kids either. (SIL pushing the responsibility to my husband...haha! )
MIL: Your father & I are getting old & I won’t have the energy to take care of their kid few years down the road. (always the famous line )
SIL: Even if they really do have a kid, they don’t want you to take care of him/her. You should just learn to let go of things. (A good one, SIL! ;D)

The above was related to me by my SIL. She’s always been the understanding one in this family. Well at least she shares the same views as I do.

I have very different way of viewing things from my PIL. Perhaps they were raised in a very traditional way. To compare, my parents are more open-minded, they don’t nag at us for not getting married or having kids. We have the kind of privacy that we should have in my family. To me, having kids or not…that’s between my husband & me, no one else should interfere in this matter & it’s definitely our choice. I don’t see any problems in not having kids in a marriage, there are always other things in life to achieve. Of course, a lot of people would feel that having kids complete their marriage lives, this is something I would not deny on. Maybe one day I would change my mind but not at this stage of my life, not when I’ve not even settled myself down in this strange land.

One thing I can never understand about my MIL. Even though they already have a grandson, she still does not see him as their “authentic” grandchild, just because he is her daughter’s son & does not carry their family name. Chinese, for some reasons, tend to be very traditional about this, they would definitely want grandchildren from their sons instead of from daughters. To my husband, this is absolutely ridiculous & I feel the same way as he does. I’m just glad he totally has different point of views from them!

Now the irony part begins here. I still remember when we got married in a chapel last April, my PIL didn’t recognize our wedding just because it was a chapel wedding. My FIL gave an excuse that his boss wouldn’t let him take a day off on the weekend so he couldn’t attend. I think otherwise because when one of their relatives got married on a Saturday, he actually took that day off just to go help out. So do you still think he wasn’t able to attend our wedding ceremony? As for MIL, she was late & missed the whole ceremony. That was so “sincere” of her. I mean, COME ON…it’s your son’s wedding, be respectful even though you are his parents! Ok about the irony part, if they don’t recognize our wedding, then to them, we are not considered married right? To traditional Chinese, you can’t get pregnant before married, so why keep bugging us to have kids when we have not even hold a Chinese wedding for them??? Oh yeah, talking about the Chinese wedding here, it’s gonna be this upcoming September, & they picked a very stupid date, September 11. No kidding, it’s going to be on that day, sucks!

Nowadays I really have no comments on things they do or decide on. Not that I don’t want to, I just don’t want to get involved too much. There are just too much things done, too many words said that made me really tired from dealing with them. All I want is some peace & quiet & being stress-free from my so called in-laws.

[pastrylover]

I have the priviledge not to live with my PIL bec. the day after my wedding, my husband and his parents engage into a big fight that resulted to kicking out my husband from their family business.

But I sympathize with you regarding in-laws...on my case, I learned it the other way...one month before the Church wedding... the in-laws started pulling out finance responsibility to our wedding...thus making me paid the whole expenses at the last minute...one week before the wedding, threatening to boycott the Church wedding bec. they didnt give consent to their son...when in reality their son is already 37 yo! The marrying age without parents consent here in our country is 21 yo (male).

To make it even worse, they pressure us to adopt the illegitimate child of my husband little brother so we wont bother in planning our own family.

I envy you at least your MIL are the traditional Chinese unlike mine, they are not traditional Chinese but rather a stingy Chinese who are afraid that every girl they sons married would end up stealing all their money.

Cheer up...as my mom would always advise me...the daughter in law they disagree or dont like...would end up to be the favorite daughter in law in the near future. ;D

[linlin]

Hey pastrylover, thanx for ur "listening ears"

[min]

lin, i know how u feel. *hug*

[edith]

Poor baby. Just "close" your eyes, ear and you shld be able to go through. Or get a skin graft - thicker skinned helps i guess.

[linlin]

min, thanx for ur hugs...I feel better already

edith, skin graft eh?? Nah, too much work juz for them, not worth..haha! Thanx anyway

[edith]

Thank God I don't have to live with them!!!


Just got a phone call from my first SIL (my hubby's eldest brother's wife) last nite. She is complaining to my hubby that we haven't been visiting his parents for 3 months and they are "crying" now.

My FIL told my eldest SIL that they are afraid to call coz' my hubby might think that they are asking for money. I find it strange coz' they won't call us unless it is the time of the month.

The last we met was on his bday and subsequently there was another gathering for mother's day but my son was going to have his exam the next day. Since we didn't finished the revision, we turned it down.

Making last minute gathering and expect you to be free to attend is a custom to them but I got so sick and tired of such rudeness. I also wonder why if they are planning for special day event, why always informed us so late. Don't they plan?

And last Sunday, we wanted to visit but they weren't home and then we got a call on Monday.

My relationship with my ILs has never been good. They have adopted the heck care attitude towards us. They have NEVER been there for us when we needed help. My hubby is the only one who travels and they know that I no longer have a maid. But not once, have they ever call me to ask how am I coping.

Throughout this 13 years of marriage, I was hospitalised three times. Yet, not once, they visited me.

During the 13 years, I have only requested for help twice from them but they disappointed me BIG TIME. I told myself that in future, I will have to depend on my parents and myself.

When my son came along, not one good words from them. Each time, we visit, my son will get tons of criticism from FIL. I wonder why I bother to bring him there to bond. So eventually, I stop initiating house visit.

Whenever I bring some food there, my second SIL will said that she knows somewhere that got better ones than mine. No words of thanks. So I stop buying or bringing food there too.

Whenever we discussed a topic or event or person, my BIL always has better ones than ours. So I stop talking too.

Talking about kids, my second SIL must always be better than mine so I stop discussing about kids too.

Conversation is always about how good theirs compared to ours. So why bother to talk, afterall, theirs are forever the best.

I needed to terminate my last maid's contract before it ends as she wasn't taking good care of my youngest kid. She had a nasty fall (scar on her face now) and for no reason, she sprained her little ankle at 14 months.

After my maid left, to my surprise, my eldest SIL told me that my maid confided in her that she wanted to break contract a few months back. Should my eldest SIL break this news to me earlier, I would not have kept the maid so long as I don't really need her service anymore. I wanted her to complete her contract so that she got some money to bring home.

When I heard this, I wonder why my eldest SIL is protecting her rather than our family. If I was told about this, I would have released the maid earlier and perhaps my little one will not have a scar on her face.

My trust for my eldest SIL disappeared from then on.

So my routine when we visit is in time for dinner, eat, sit down and stare that the TV. There won't be a chance for you to choose your own prog coz' second SIL will just switched to her favourite channel.

How can I talk to my eldest SIL when I don't have anymore trust in her.

As for my BILs, same boring braggy nutss.

And my FIL always has his self righteous attitude and constant complain about my MIL. I got such ear ache hearing it, can't argue my point coz' i was brought up not to talk back to elders.

So my nite is spent counting down the seconds to see whether it is time to leave and also making sure that little spoilt brat (from second SIL) doesn't bully my daughter.

Respect and Trust need to be earned.
Communication is two ways.
With no Tender, Loving care - do you think they will be love?

[linlin]

I can totally understand how you feel, Edith. Really, I'm starting to feel that there is no one that I can trust totally in this house too. I'm sure I will end up like u do after I move out, Edith. Now I can already picture how it will be like when I have my own place. I dun intend to make frequent visits & unless on special occasions, I dun think I even want to see their faces. Living together really let u see their true colors.

Juz the other day, Le & I were talking abt buying a used car for me since I've got my license. MIL's reaction was really BIG, she overheard our conversation & objected to it, something which she said pissed me off big time, she said to her son.... "u got so much $$$ har??" I juz kept quiet but inside me, I was thinking...why would this be her biz??? If my husband decides to buy me a car, then that's between us, it's got nothing to do with her!

And speaking of making last minute gathering & expecting u to be free, I really can't agree with Edith more. People like them really think we are here to entertain or something. On Father's Day, no one told me that we would be having dinner at a restaurant, worse still, it would be at abt 10 something at night after FIL came home from work! What the heck, somehow they think everybody eats at 10pm like them, besides, it is a Sunday, Le needs to get up early the next day for work. The whole thing lasted for almost 2 hrs...got home at midnight. If I am working, I will definitely not turn up because to me, this is some stupid nuts. It's juz inconsiderate not to think of other people's inconveniences.

Edith's right...with no mutual respect & tender, loving care, how do they expect us to treat them the right way?

[lynda]

My sympathies to all. I feel that it is better to forgive and forget than carry all these unhappiness. Just my two cents

[jojong]

I always tell myself "fogive and forget". It is easily said than done. 5 years had gone and I still remember vividly what my MIL had done.

Some of you are "lucky" in the sense that your husband is on your side. But not me. In spite of what his mother had done, my husband still believe his mother is "right" and this had caused rift between us.

[joanneloo]

I am so sorry to hear about all these from you gals......Be strong, we are all here to support each other.

[linlin]

nwz said:

I always tell myself "fogive and forget". It is easily said than done. 5 years had gone and I still remember vividly what my MIL had done.

Some of you are "lucky" in the sense that your husband is on your side. But not me. In spite of what his mother had done, my husband still believe his mother is "right" and this had caused rift between us.

Agree with u, I can forgive but I will never ever forget what she had said or done to me.

Jojo, I definitely can understand how u feel even tho my husband is on my side...but sometimes if I talk too much, he thinks that I'm complaining too much, so I stopped talking to him abt his family.

No doubt, in a way what his mom said or done does affect our relationship, we both feel stressed out sometimes & I no longer feel that I can easily bond with my husband anymore. Perhaps the day we move out will be the day we are free from all these nonsense.

Have u tried talking to your husband calmly over this? Of course it's not easy & men do not quite understand the situation we are in most of the time. They don't see things as we do because they do not have to suffer like we do. Honestly, do talk to him if u can...else you will be the one suffering big time...*hugs to u*

[jojong]

linlin,

Yes, we do talk about it. Each time we talk, we end up having big argument. Now, we don't talk about it anymore.

I just feel sorry for my son. He is going 6 this year. Somehow, when we quarrel, I sense that he could be aware of what is happening. One of the day, he was asking why we quarrel?

[Janny]

When wife and mother in law don't get along, it is the husband who is in difficult position. Dunno who to side with. But I would say, he should side with whoever is right or just get himself out of it without siding with anybody.

The bible said one day man will leave his parents to be one with his wife. So you would think he should be closer and trust his wife. But then, I heard of different philosophy also. IF you lose your wife, you can remarry and you'll have another wife. But you cannot get another mother when you lose yours. so?

[min]

I can understand what jojong said about the rift between her and her husband because i am in similar situation. I no longer want to tell my husband when his parents upset me. I also have given up hope on his parents, and by now i am used to their behaviours. To me, the lesser we meet, the better.